Monday, May 05, 2014

Fighting the Fear

I made it through my crazy Sunday morning, and I seem to be making a start on overcoming the singing stage fright. I actually felt pretty confident and wasn't shaking violently, and I was happy with how I did. In the first service, it wasn't the best I could do, but it was good enough, and in the second service, it may have been the best I've ever done that part. In the first service, part of the problem may have been that there were some glitches with the choir part (note to choir members: actually paying attention to the director helps a lot) and part may have been that we didn't do any kind of sound check. I hadn't sung from the lectern away from the choir loft before on this piece, and the director neglected to warn the sound guy that there was a soloist. The sound guy thanked me between services for having a voice that carries, since he didn't get the mic on until about halfway through my part. With the notes I was singing, I don't think a mic was that necessary.

The kids kept forgetting to sing during their song, but they were moving around enthusiastically. They may also be part of why I was less nervous in the big service because I went straight from directing them to singing and didn't have time to sit and think about what I was going to have to do. My main worry there was that while I was singing, some little voice would pipe up "That's my teacher!" and I'd lose it. If they did it, I didn't hear it.

And then after lunch with my parents, I went home and collapsed. I was too wired for a nap, so I mostly read. Today I feel strangely tired and I woke up early. But it's nice not to have to be paranoid about allergies. I spent the weekend sealed up in my house, so this morning I ate breakfast on the patio because I could.

I may have to force myself to become a diva and request to do more solos and small ensembles because I'm afraid that if I don't follow up this positive step soon with another one, I'll relapse. I'd like to get to the point where this kind of thing doesn't panic me, to where I even enjoy it. I did enjoy it while I was doing it, even though there was some dread beforehand, and I really enjoy having done it. The main fear with this wasn't the nerves, but whether I'd be physically capable because it was hard and had forced me to really stretch my abilities.

But as they say, you never accomplish anything worthwhile from within your comfort zone. I'd like to spend today in a zombie coma, but I have to get to work on copy edits so I can have a new book out this summer.

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